duplicity — inbox

[vestments]

Comments

[vestments]

Less common in Chicago.

( anyway. )

He looked up to me, at one point.

( to sort of answer the question. )

[redhourglass]

younger brother?

( she’d say she knows how that is, but … #it’s complicated )

[vestments]

By a couple of years.

( marc and randall's relationship was also COMPLICATED, but marc also has 5000 excuses to not blame randall in the slightest for being a murderous, jealous shitheel. )

I didn't set a very good example.

( shockingly. )

[redhourglass]

i know what that’s like

( not that she and yelena had a choice — particularly her. yelena was a baby, a child. she’d been in the rooms before, knew exactly where alexei was sending her back to. if she’d fought harder …

and then she became a shining example of everything draykov was meant to create. (and enemy number 1) )

family is always tough

[vestments]

( his instinctual, immediate thought to that is 'no, it's not', even if he doesn't have any evidence for that. even if all he has to go off is his own family — regarding which marc's perspective is: elias was a good father (don't talk to him about elias), and randall would have been a good person if marc hadn't got in the way. )

Only if you make it tough.

( marc 2 marc: this is a terrible conversation. )

[redhourglass]

( ok, well, first of all — rude.

regardless, it’s not worth chasing. she can’t help but be terribly aware of her childhood (or lack thereof) and what it has gifted her. “family” wasn’t a term that was used often. there were her handlers. her missions. her competition (the other girls).

family had been what they had in ohio, briefly. what she had with the avengers, even when it all went wrong. )

you know, you’re a hard person to empathize with

[vestments]

( he's heard (variations of) that before. )

I imagine we had very different upbringings.

[redhourglass]

you could say that

( i imagine you had an upbringing )

[vestments]

And mine doesn't need empathy.

[redhourglass]

it’s easier to be a mystery

but it’s nice to not be a total unknown all the time

1/2

[vestments]

( so says the spy. )

That's rich.

[vestments]

Fine.

My father was a rabbi.
My mother died when I was a kid.
My brother joined the marines because I did.
Etc.

encrypted.

[redhourglass]

( how rude — she had her entire service record spilled to the internet in the name of stopping hydra. she’s an open book (written in a language no one speaks anymore)

still, lest he think she’s all talk: )

i was sold as a baby to a program designed to train girls into super spies for the kgb
my sister isn’t blood-related to me, we were assigned on a mission together when she was a child and i’m the closest thing she has to family other than our handlers
she was trained in the same program that made me
the avengers are my family and yeah, they’re complicated

(perma??) encrypted.

[vestments]

( her response makes him feel a little like a dick, and he wonders, just for a moment, how much similarity there is between her and the natasha from his world.

(he'd prefer not to know.
it's invasive.)

and so he doesn't reply for a moment (or two, or three). a few signifiers of him typing appear and disappear, appear and disappear, before— )

My father hated violence.
My perspective was the opposite because it's what I was good at.
Joined the USMC as soon as I could, got kicked out for lying at enlistment.
Did "private contracting", or whatever they like to call it these days.
Was killed.

( STUFF. moon knight. khonshu. marlene. etc.
(not touching the topic of randall, because it's complicated.) )

The Avengers ( are? my friends? ) aren't family.

( unless the definition's 'people that don't talk to [him] anymore'. )

I'm not interested in empathy, Natasha.
But I'm glad you have the Avengers.

perma encrypted

[redhourglass]

( there’s something so incredibly vulnerable about laying things out in simple, plain terms. even clint, even steve hadn’t gotten that explanation. shield had gotten the cliff notes, had already put together the rough sketch in her file from other intelligence sources. she doesn’t feel powerful for having said it herself. on the contrary, she feels exposed.

like a nerve.

but maybe that’s what closeness is in a place like this. it can’t be built over years and bonded through fire. it’s the moments when you choose to share, choose to show. choose to feel exposed.

his response puts him in the same space with her — no more, no less. and that’s enough. )

before i defected, i did a lot of bad things
i killed a lot of people and i didn’t care who i was killing them for
i understand how violence is a skill — sometimes the only skill — someone has

they might not be your family
but i was a better person in my world because of them

[vestments]

I spent a lot of time only caring about getting paid.
Discovered my conscience in Selima after watching the guy I was working for rip out a man's throat with his teeth.
( wasn't the first time, it was just the first time it bothered marc. )
Been told a few times that it doesn't matter what you've done, it's what you're doing.

Which is fine until you repeat the same mistakes over and over.
One of the reasons I got kicked off the Avengers.
Inability to be trusted.

Probably an argument to be had about nature vs nurture.
Who you're surrounded by makes a difference, but it's not the only factor.

[redhourglass]

never was much of a fan of nature vs nurture
what happens when you learn it from both?

i’ve spent the better part of the last few years trying to do better
it won’t be enough for some
but it’s the only thing i can do

( even tony had thrown it in her face. some things can be forgiven — but not forgotten. )

do you trust yourself?

[vestments]

Don't know, none of the lessons my father tried to teach me stuck.

Is it enough for you?

( ugh— )

No.

[redhourglass]

( it’s a selfish impulse to say no, it’s not enough and that was why she’d spent the five years after thanos trying to atone for that. but … there’s no need to share what happens to her at home, not with him. not now. )

it’s better than what i was doing before

( and in the end, making the ultimate sacrifice had been easy. )

i found people who trusted me before i trusted myself
maybe you have too

[vestments]

So, not yet.

I did.
They no longer talk to me.

( "making the same mistakes over and over", natasha!! )

[redhourglass]

( it’d be easy to say something trite like ‘so? try again’ — but that’s more steve than her. she’s a realist. she knows some things break and can’t be fixed. not everything is forgiven or even forgivable. )

any of them here?

[vestments]

Thankfully, no.
For their sakes.

They both have lives.

( which is a shit way of putting it, he knows, but there's a difference between the sort of life anyone like them leads, and the sort of life everyone else leads. )

[redhourglass]

( she might reply ‘and we don’t?’ but natasha knows exactly what he means. she doesn’t, not in any traditional sense. )

what if i said i trusted you?

( it’s more of a hypothetical exercise than a true declaration. you don’t live as long as she has as the black widow by trusting people.

but maybe she could trust him. one day. )

[vestments]

You don't.

( because otherwise it would have simply been 'I trust you', no 'what if'. )

You don't know me.

( and he means that in as straightforward a way as it can be meant — there's a lot neither of them know about each other. it's not anything to be mardy about.

and it's not really about being trusted — it is what it is after everything he's done over the years — it's about having people he can trust the judgement of when he can't trust himself. )

And trust has to be earned.

[redhourglass]

i don’t

( he’s not wrong about that — might as well confirm, because it’s really not a slight against him and natasha has a sense that marc understands. he might not know her, but he knows a version and in broad strokes, spies are the trusting sort. at least, not those who stay alive for very long. )

and you don’t know me
but i’m getting to know you

( it’s a pathway to … something. trust, maybe. something else. a possibility. )